[Coco] Re: funny.... for me anyway :)

[Richard E. Crislip]

Hello Bob

I love it! I really love it.  And thats from a guy who doesn't think Bush is
any worse than any other Pres we've elected... Whooopps just made yourpoint
didn't I ;-)

On 10/27/2005, Bob Devries wrote:

> /me dons flame-proof suit......

>

> JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

>

> To the citizens of the United States of America:

>

> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

> your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen

> Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,

> commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does

> not fancy).

>

> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

> will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

> determine whether any of you noticed.

>

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

> rules are introduced with immediate effect:

>

> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will

> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter

> 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and

> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

> skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the

> suffix "ise."

>

> You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may

> elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't

> cope with correct pronunciation.

>

> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

> levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words

> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

>

> 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know

> on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

>

> 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

> Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

>

> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd

> will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.

> It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

>

> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

> lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

> not grown up enough to handle a gun.

>

> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>

> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

> we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you

> will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,

> you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion

> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

> British sense of humour.

>

> 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

> calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

>

> 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

> chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in

> animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

>

> 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

> customers.

>

> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

> as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

> referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as

> "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of

> further confusion.

>

> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English

> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to

> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

>

> 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind

> of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough

> will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some

> similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for

> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

> bunch of nancies).

>

> Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host

> an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played

> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

>

> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

>

> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

> monies due backdated to 1776.

>

> Thank you for your co-operation.

>

> John Cleese

>

>

>

> --

> Regards, Bob Devries, Dalby, Queensland, Australia

>

> Isaiah 50:4 The sovereign Lord has given me

> the capacity to be his spokesman,

> so that I know how to help the weary.

>

> website: http://www.home.gil.com.au/~bdevasl

> my blog: http://bdevries.invigorated.org/

>

Regards
-- 
Cruising on AutoPilot                       |
        With an Amiga           ---o-o-O-o-o---  and a CoCo